remember me?...

I'm sorry I disappeared for the past 4 months. We had some really highs... and some really lows. We went from very hopefully, to pretty hopeless. We are now stuck in the "What now" phase... I promise I will be better at keeping up with this page.

Here, let me update you...

In February we found out that after 5 days of high dose meds, my ovaries had not produced eggs. So my doctor suggested we continue them for 5 more days and come back. I remember thinking "Awesome, you want me to pay MORE money just to feel even MORE like a crazy person, just for a MORE bad news in 5 days... lovely." But, because I was told to do it, we took the medicines for 5 more days. Well... guess what... we had eggs! Not 1 egg, not 2 eggs, not even 3 eggs... but we had 12 eggs!!! Let me explain something in case you don't know this - a healthy "normal" woman makes one egg every cycle. That egg gets fertilized by sperm and creates a baby. Occasionally women will hyper-ovulate and produce 2 eggs that will cause fraternal twins. But identical twins are created when that one egg splits into 2 cells creating 2 identical lives. So, we now have the chance for 12+ babies. UMM... NO! We panicked and freaked out a little bit and went through some options with my doctor. He told us to wait for 3 days and come back. In his years of practice, he has never seen anyone respond as quickly as I did. I went from not responding, to over responding! So, in his mind, hopefully some eggs would shrink over the next 3 days and leave us with a few very healthy eggs! So we waited... Prayed prayed and prayed some more. Well, We were down from 12... but only to 5. FIVE EGGS! That is a possibility of FIVE BABIES! Not to mention the possibility of them splitting to more babies! That's a very slight chance, but still a risky chance. No, I don't want to be Octomom, but who doesn't like the odds of 1 of 5 eggs taking and creating a life!? 5 was not near as scary to me as 12. I was ready to go! Sadly, my doctor refused to do the insemination. 5 eggs is just too risky for their policy. So we were told not to touch each other... actually, we were told "I'm sorry, I know it's Valentine's Day, but you need to sleep in separate rooms!" Well... I'm sorry Doc, but that didn't happen. I put my trust in God's plan and told myself "whatever happens is supposed to happen." And went about our Valentine's plans and family making plans... Well... it didn't happen. So that obviously wasn't God's plan. A few whole lot of tears were shed, but that is nothing new. Onto another month...

March was a little different. Same meds, but instead of doing them for 10 days at the max dose, we tried 9 days at an ever-so-slightly lower dose... PERFECT! We had 2 beautiful eggs. One on each ovary. My lining and eggs both looked "perfect" according to my doctor and nurse. I jumped for joy. I was ecstatic! We went ahead with the insemination and played the 2-week waiting game. Well... right on time... negative. It failed... again.

That was our last (already paid for) insemination. Another negative. So now what? Keep paying $1000 for medication (because my new insurance doesn't cover it), $150 per ultrasound (most months we have needed 3 ultrasounds), $50 semen collection and cleaning/ thawing and $300 for the insemination... Keep paying about $1800 a month for doctor visits and insemination or move onto the idea of IVF? Easier said than done... the average cost of IVF is $14,000+... not covered by insurance... due all at once... out of pocket. Does your pocket have an extra $14,000+ in it? Mine doesn't... So far, we have spent well over that in the past 4 years. Heck, we could have done IVF and adopted by now with the money we have spent... but that was over 4 years. Not in one day...


So, like I said, we are stuck in the "what now" phase... until we come up with $14,000+

"A Letter To Me" by: From IF To When

Oh the tears. 

What a beautiful letter written to her infertile self on the begining of this journey from the mother she is now. 

http://www.fromiftowhen.com/2013/01/a-letter-to-me.html?m=1

I was 23 when we started seeing doctors, 4 years later- I'm 27 now. Is this a sign?! I feel very connected to this story and pray that I can look back on it one day and say the same thing to the me now. ❤️ 

prayer journal

"Adopt and get over yourself"...

This is an actual comment from Judy Anon on an infertility article posted on the New York Times website. 

40 people actually "liked" this comment. 

40 people.

I'm disgusted.

No wonder so many of us suffering through infertility turn to the anonymous online TTC (trying to conceive) support community. No wonder so many of us are terrified to share their struggles with friends and even family. No wonder so many of us feel ashamed and misunderstood.  So many of us are raw, discouraged, angered, confused, and hurt.  Some of us have suffered multiple miscarriages. Some haven’t been able to ever conceive. Some have waited years for adoptions that have fallen through (because it's not as easy to "Just adopt" as people tend to think). And most of us have spent thousands of dollars on our dream of parenthood. The last thing we want to do is welcome the Judy Anon’s of the world into our secret lives. She is our nemesis. So we remain quiet and alone in our nightmare.

But the truth is many of us know Judy Anon. She’s our neighbor. She’s our aunt. She’s our friend from high school. She’s our co-worker. She’s our Facebook friend. And unfortunately, she probably doesn’t care how much damage those five words have caused on our already damaged hearts.

But what Judy Anon doesn’t know is we are a part of the 1 in 8 couples that suffer from this disorder. We are a special kind of group family that mostly suffer in silence because of hateful ignorance like she displayed. It means that we plead, pray, cry, go broke, breakdown, fall apart, become stronger and wiser, and appreciate the journey that so many like her take for granted.

 

But I refuse to let the Judy Anon’s bully me into the infertility closet. I am standing up for myself and my infertility family.  I refuse to allow those who don’t understand my struggles to dictate my life.

I came out of the infertility closet shortly after experiencing a Judy Anon myself. I decided that I wasn’t going to hold it in any longer. Plus, when you are constantly asked “When are yall planning on having children?” you need a response. And an honest response. Which now goes something like this: “I’m infertile. We have been trying for almost 4 years now. It’s no longer when we are planning on it, it’s when God is planning on it. And if it's not in His plan for us to have our own children, we will pursue adoption.”

As hard as it was to admit I’M INFERTILE, as hard as it was to label myself and speak of such a taboo subject, it has been a huge weight off of my shoulders. I'm no longer in hiding. And after feeling so alone for so long, I have had many friends reach out and admit that they too are struggling quietly. So many of my amazing friends that tell me how much my story, my strength, and my faith has helped them. What I wish they knew was how much they have helped me. Knowing I’m not alone, is so reassuring. The one and only thing I am thankful for through this struggle, is the incredible friendships I have developed and lives I have touched. I'm humbled.

So to all of the Judy Anon’s out there, you need Jesus. You can bully us all you want, but the fact that you have zero compassion, is something you need to deal with instead of taking it out on us. The fact that you think you can attack sensitive, delicate women when they are at a very low point in life with your "get over yourself" comment, makes you heartless. The fact that you have no idea how much it cost, how hard of a process is it, how long it takes, or how flawed the system of adoption can be, makes your comment ignorant. To the Judy Anon's out there that obviously have no idea what it's like to walk in our shoes, you're heartless... but you're incredibly lucky.

More to it than you think.

Most people tend to think being an infertile consist only of a pill or two... Well. Let me help you out with that assumption... 

Does that look like just "a pill or two"? Didn't think so. This is my life. So many pills I have to use a daily divider like a 98 year old and a phone reminder to keep up with how many to take each day and what days to take which drug/ injection. Yes... Injections. That I keep in my fridge and stab myself in the stomach with on certain days.  

I once read that "infertility is second to cancer as far as what degree of pain and torture patients will put their bodies through for a cure."

It's not always sunshine and rainbows.

It's not always a simple doctors visit. 

And it's not always just a pill or two.

There's more to it than you think...

I would die for that...

Kellie Coffey - I Would Die For That

The Disgrace of Infertility

It is rare to find an infertility piece written from a man's perspective. It is even harder to find one written by a man of God. But this pastor nails it and I must share it. 

http://natepyle.com/the-disgrace-of-infertility/