remember me?...

I'm sorry I disappeared for the past 4 months. We had some really highs... and some really lows. We went from very hopefully, to pretty hopeless. We are now stuck in the "What now" phase... I promise I will be better at keeping up with this page.

Here, let me update you...

In February we found out that after 5 days of high dose meds, my ovaries had not produced eggs. So my doctor suggested we continue them for 5 more days and come back. I remember thinking "Awesome, you want me to pay MORE money just to feel even MORE like a crazy person, just for a MORE bad news in 5 days... lovely." But, because I was told to do it, we took the medicines for 5 more days. Well... guess what... we had eggs! Not 1 egg, not 2 eggs, not even 3 eggs... but we had 12 eggs!!! Let me explain something in case you don't know this - a healthy "normal" woman makes one egg every cycle. That egg gets fertilized by sperm and creates a baby. Occasionally women will hyper-ovulate and produce 2 eggs that will cause fraternal twins. But identical twins are created when that one egg splits into 2 cells creating 2 identical lives. So, we now have the chance for 12+ babies. UMM... NO! We panicked and freaked out a little bit and went through some options with my doctor. He told us to wait for 3 days and come back. In his years of practice, he has never seen anyone respond as quickly as I did. I went from not responding, to over responding! So, in his mind, hopefully some eggs would shrink over the next 3 days and leave us with a few very healthy eggs! So we waited... Prayed prayed and prayed some more. Well, We were down from 12... but only to 5. FIVE EGGS! That is a possibility of FIVE BABIES! Not to mention the possibility of them splitting to more babies! That's a very slight chance, but still a risky chance. No, I don't want to be Octomom, but who doesn't like the odds of 1 of 5 eggs taking and creating a life!? 5 was not near as scary to me as 12. I was ready to go! Sadly, my doctor refused to do the insemination. 5 eggs is just too risky for their policy. So we were told not to touch each other... actually, we were told "I'm sorry, I know it's Valentine's Day, but you need to sleep in separate rooms!" Well... I'm sorry Doc, but that didn't happen. I put my trust in God's plan and told myself "whatever happens is supposed to happen." And went about our Valentine's plans and family making plans... Well... it didn't happen. So that obviously wasn't God's plan. A few whole lot of tears were shed, but that is nothing new. Onto another month...

March was a little different. Same meds, but instead of doing them for 10 days at the max dose, we tried 9 days at an ever-so-slightly lower dose... PERFECT! We had 2 beautiful eggs. One on each ovary. My lining and eggs both looked "perfect" according to my doctor and nurse. I jumped for joy. I was ecstatic! We went ahead with the insemination and played the 2-week waiting game. Well... right on time... negative. It failed... again.

That was our last (already paid for) insemination. Another negative. So now what? Keep paying $1000 for medication (because my new insurance doesn't cover it), $150 per ultrasound (most months we have needed 3 ultrasounds), $50 semen collection and cleaning/ thawing and $300 for the insemination... Keep paying about $1800 a month for doctor visits and insemination or move onto the idea of IVF? Easier said than done... the average cost of IVF is $14,000+... not covered by insurance... due all at once... out of pocket. Does your pocket have an extra $14,000+ in it? Mine doesn't... So far, we have spent well over that in the past 4 years. Heck, we could have done IVF and adopted by now with the money we have spent... but that was over 4 years. Not in one day...


So, like I said, we are stuck in the "what now" phase... until we come up with $14,000+

"A Letter To Me" by: From IF To When

Oh the tears. 

What a beautiful letter written to her infertile self on the begining of this journey from the mother she is now. 

http://www.fromiftowhen.com/2013/01/a-letter-to-me.html?m=1

I was 23 when we started seeing doctors, 4 years later- I'm 27 now. Is this a sign?! I feel very connected to this story and pray that I can look back on it one day and say the same thing to the me now. ❤️ 

prayer journal

"Adopt and get over yourself"...

This is an actual comment from Judy Anon on an infertility article posted on the New York Times website. 

40 people actually "liked" this comment. 

40 people.

I'm disgusted.

No wonder so many of us suffering through infertility turn to the anonymous online TTC (trying to conceive) support community. No wonder so many of us are terrified to share their struggles with friends and even family. No wonder so many of us feel ashamed and misunderstood.  So many of us are raw, discouraged, angered, confused, and hurt.  Some of us have suffered multiple miscarriages. Some haven’t been able to ever conceive. Some have waited years for adoptions that have fallen through (because it's not as easy to "Just adopt" as people tend to think). And most of us have spent thousands of dollars on our dream of parenthood. The last thing we want to do is welcome the Judy Anon’s of the world into our secret lives. She is our nemesis. So we remain quiet and alone in our nightmare.

But the truth is many of us know Judy Anon. She’s our neighbor. She’s our aunt. She’s our friend from high school. She’s our co-worker. She’s our Facebook friend. And unfortunately, she probably doesn’t care how much damage those five words have caused on our already damaged hearts.

But what Judy Anon doesn’t know is we are a part of the 1 in 8 couples that suffer from this disorder. We are a special kind of group family that mostly suffer in silence because of hateful ignorance like she displayed. It means that we plead, pray, cry, go broke, breakdown, fall apart, become stronger and wiser, and appreciate the journey that so many like her take for granted.

 

But I refuse to let the Judy Anon’s bully me into the infertility closet. I am standing up for myself and my infertility family.  I refuse to allow those who don’t understand my struggles to dictate my life.

I came out of the infertility closet shortly after experiencing a Judy Anon myself. I decided that I wasn’t going to hold it in any longer. Plus, when you are constantly asked “When are yall planning on having children?” you need a response. And an honest response. Which now goes something like this: “I’m infertile. We have been trying for almost 4 years now. It’s no longer when we are planning on it, it’s when God is planning on it. And if it's not in His plan for us to have our own children, we will pursue adoption.”

As hard as it was to admit I’M INFERTILE, as hard as it was to label myself and speak of such a taboo subject, it has been a huge weight off of my shoulders. I'm no longer in hiding. And after feeling so alone for so long, I have had many friends reach out and admit that they too are struggling quietly. So many of my amazing friends that tell me how much my story, my strength, and my faith has helped them. What I wish they knew was how much they have helped me. Knowing I’m not alone, is so reassuring. The one and only thing I am thankful for through this struggle, is the incredible friendships I have developed and lives I have touched. I'm humbled.

So to all of the Judy Anon’s out there, you need Jesus. You can bully us all you want, but the fact that you have zero compassion, is something you need to deal with instead of taking it out on us. The fact that you think you can attack sensitive, delicate women when they are at a very low point in life with your "get over yourself" comment, makes you heartless. The fact that you have no idea how much it cost, how hard of a process is it, how long it takes, or how flawed the system of adoption can be, makes your comment ignorant. To the Judy Anon's out there that obviously have no idea what it's like to walk in our shoes, you're heartless... but you're incredibly lucky.

More to it than you think.

Most people tend to think being an infertile consist only of a pill or two... Well. Let me help you out with that assumption... 

Does that look like just "a pill or two"? Didn't think so. This is my life. So many pills I have to use a daily divider like a 98 year old and a phone reminder to keep up with how many to take each day and what days to take which drug/ injection. Yes... Injections. That I keep in my fridge and stab myself in the stomach with on certain days.  

I once read that "infertility is second to cancer as far as what degree of pain and torture patients will put their bodies through for a cure."

It's not always sunshine and rainbows.

It's not always a simple doctors visit. 

And it's not always just a pill or two.

There's more to it than you think...

I would die for that...

Kellie Coffey - I Would Die For That

The Disgrace of Infertility

It is rare to find an infertility piece written from a man's perspective. It is even harder to find one written by a man of God. But this pastor nails it and I must share it. 

http://natepyle.com/the-disgrace-of-infertility/

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans12:12

Yesterday I woke up a huge ball of nerves. We were going to see our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE/ Fertility Specialist), Dr. P, for the first time since moving home from Florida. I adore him and trust him, but getting back in the process after taking such a long break is overwhelming. Money, medicines, numerous test, many visits, and too many emotions to even process formed a lump in my throat. 

Pulling up to the office with my husband beside me brought back every feeling from the last time I left there. We checked in, and had a seat in the private waiting room. (It's funny how we have a "sensitive waiting area". Apparently they don't want us in the same area as the pregnant women to protect our feelings. Thoughtful, but get real... We see them in Walmart, grocery stores, church, at work, and everywhere in between. Can't hide from reality!) 

Anyways, after waiting for over 2 hours (talk about nerves building up!) we walked into Dr.P's office. Immediately a warm sense of comfort and calmness blanketed me. His first words were "Welcome back! We missed you guys!" (He's from up north. He's very soft spoken and doesn't say "Y'all!"... Yankee.) As I sat down, he said "So, we are ready... And we are hopeful." 

Immediately, I smiled from ear to ear. It was like he read my mind. We ARE ready. We ARE hopeful! After maybe 10 minutes, an aggressive plan to move forward, and a RX in hand, we were ready to leave. 2 hours of waiting for 10 minutes of hope... It was worth it for us! 

My cellphone battery had died while in the office. Once I reached my car, I plugged it in and waited (for what seemed like an eternity) for it to charge enough to turn on. My best friends are my everything. My backbone and my biggest cheerleaders. I had to fill them in on our new plan immediately. Of course they are just as ecstatic as us! 

After much excitement, I felt like everything was falling into place. We are right where we are supposed to be. So I curled up in bed next to my husband and slept better than I have in months! Full of peace and full of hope. 

Woke up this morning nervous all over again. Today we met with our new OBGYN. Now, I'm not nervous for the reasons you would think. I'm used to being naked with my feet in stirrups. Get serious. I've been seeing doctors since I was 12. Nothing new for me. But we are meeting someone who is not only checking to make sure no cancer cells are back, we are meeting someone who will deliver our first child.

 ***FYI--- I've seen 6 OBGYNs. Yes 6. You lose your hope in my future plans, you lose me as a patient. As far as getting me pregnant, that's my RE's job! My OBGYN's job is to make sure my cervix/uterus is healthy and once I'm pregnant, my baby is healthy while in my uterus. So don't rain on my parade about actually getting pregnant and we won't have any problems.*** 

So, I'm nervous. Although I've met Dr. J through my best friend, we've never really met and discussed my health/fertility situation. We walked into the office and signed in. Yes, we. My husband joins me to any doctors appointment he is in town for. We are one. This appointment is just as important for him as it is for me. It's not my future. It's our future. 

As the nurse called me back from the waiting room, she wrapped her arms around me and said "Welcome. I'm a hugger so get used to it. I love my patients and believe in spreading love." Let me just say, it made me want to start hugging every single one of my patients from now on. My stress level immediately dropped and I felt at home. 

After blood work and urine sample we were sent to another waiting room. Daniel had already made friends and had them laughing. What's new. As I was filling out my 48292 pages of paperwork, the anxiety creeped back in. Might I add, I absolutely hate the questions: "How many times have you been pregnant? How many love births? How many miscarriages?" Awesome... 

The nurse called me back in just the right moment and placed me in a room. She said "Dr. J will be right in, leave your clothes on." She walked out and as she shut the door I saw the bulletin board of sweet babies and their families on the wall. It didn't upset me honestly. It stung for a quick second and then I quickly started thinking of where I would pin my announcement on the board. You don't want to cover anyone's beautiful child, but you better believe I want mine front and center. 

Well, before I could decide exactly where mine would go, Dr. J came in. She smiled sincerely and said "Well, it's not very often that I get new patients who are already seeing an RE... So tell me your story and tell me how I can help you." After a brief synopsis, she said "I love that you are so aware of your conditions and know what you want from a doctor. Let me start with saying "I can't wait to deliver your babies." Heart. Exploded. 

She stepped out and had me get undressed. Here we go... After the typical yearly exam, she said I have a "perfectly beautiful cervix!" and as far as she can see, no issues. Let me just say, I've never had a good looking cervix. It's always had noticeable problems. Between inflammation, infection, or polyps, something tends to always be going wrong. Awesome genetics huh... 

Anyways, She said everything looks perfect. Whew. So now we are just waiting on pap results to be sure of no cancer cells. Praying. She also added "With your history and your situation, I wouldn't recommend you to anyone BUT Dr. P. Typically, we use another doctor who is in our group, but he's the best. You need the best. If he told me I needed to stand on my head and turn a circle while clicking my heels and repeating a crazy chant in order to get pregnant, I would listen." The fact that my OBGYN trust my RE and recommends him personally, only reassures me that we are in her office for a reason. She left to get some paperwork and RX for me and my phone vibrated I picked it up and realized it was my devotional alert. I figured I had time to read it, so I opened it. If you are standing... Have a seat please. 

He calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves. Psalm 107:29 ❤️

Hello Lord. I hear you speaking directly to me and I am listening and trusting in You! Nerves and anxiety are calmed.  

Just then the door opened, I set my phone down. She said "Oh no, you can keep on I have to write this prescription out real quick." I explained it was my daily devotional. And then God spoke to me again straight through Dr. J's sweet voice. She looked at me with her kind eyes and said "I feel like God has blessed me in every aspect of my life and I feel like I met you this morning for a reason. My devotional was about miracles and then I did a hysterectomy for a lady this morning who said 'you're taking my baby maker out today and I pray God gives it to another lady' and Jill, I believe that's you. I have a really good feeling about us being in each others lives. I know you're in my office for a reason." Speechless. 

Made my entire day! Almost made every day up until now worth it. I love that both of my doctors are so positive that our time is coming, and soon! I love that God is opening the doors to our future. I love that our time is almost here and I faithfully believe we will not be disappointed or let down. I've never been so full of hope.

And then this was sent to me:

"This is a short and sweet word of hope that is strong in my heart for YOU today… Your dream, that desire you have, that unrelenting vision that won’t let go. THIS dream is on its way to you. Nothing can stop it. Assigned. Appointed. Anointed. Kept for you. Prepared for you.And you are being prepared for it. All present circumstances are leading to this dream. Do not doubt for one moment that ALL things are contributing. Preparing. Presenting. Promoting. Providing for this vision that won’t let go. So don’t YOU let go. Be strong and expectant. With hands open and palms up. Heart and mind ready, looking. Not in anxiousness or fear, but in confidence that the dream is near. As all creation was expecting on that Christmas night so long ago. Even still we expect. Expect and look and smile and believe. Your expectations will not be cut off, nor will you be cheated. Expect nothing less than total fulfillment of your dream. Even now it comes with fervency, straight toward you." ❤️

Thank you Lord. Thank You. 

2014

Well this year I only have 1 resolution---

Contact Facebook, ask to speak to Mark Zuckerberg directly, and ask him to start banning all pregnancy announcements, ultrasounds, and belly photos. No, his assistant will not suffice, I want him personally. 

No, no... I kid. I kid. Don't get offended it's just a joke people.

New Year’s is often seen as a time of rebirth, the chance to start fresh. You know the whole "new year, new me" crap everyone quotes. In all actuality, less than 19 percent of people completely follow through with their annual resolutions. Well, not me. Not this year. I'm setting my sights realistically this year. I am setting not only physical goals, but fundamental life goals for 2014.

eat healthier healthy/ lose weight

I know I know... Everyone sets this goal and nobody ever successfully reaches their goal. Well, last year I did. I dropped 30 pounds in 8 weeks but for a different reason. I did it for looks. I wanted to be slimmer. I wanted to look good in a swimsuit since I was living in Florida. I was determined and did it with ease. Well, we moved back home where sweet tea and fried foods are a Mississippi delicacy. The weight is starting to come back. Not all 30 pounds, but a good 15. This time I am doing it for a different reason. According to research- Eighty percent of women with PCOS (one of our many diagnoses for infertility) are overweight, tending toward an apple-shaped body type. The easiest treatment for PCOS is weight loss. A weight loss of only 5 percent can improve insulin resistance, leading to improved menstrual function, ovulation, and healthy pregnancies. The best approach is a healthy weight-loss diet and exercise routine. Unfortunately, many women with PCOS have a difficult time losing weight. Luckily, I didn't have a difficult time this past summer, and I pray I won't this time around either. I am going to lose this weight for my health and for my hopes of reproducing. I don't care what I look like in a bikini. Heck, if I was pregnant I wouldn't have a bikini 6 pack anyways! So this time, I am working towards a future plan... Not a figure. 

become a runner

I say this every year. I am seriously dying to be a runner. Don't ask why, I have no good reasons. I don't even like to run. I just want to be a runner. Crazy... I know. But I'm going to make myself learn to love it. I need a healthy hobby. I need quiet time. I love going to the gym to workout and still will go for weights and classes. But gyms are crowded and loud and only located in specific places. I can go on a quiet run... alone... and anywhere! It's a perfect time for me to clear my mind, ease my anxiety, or let out my anger! It also helps with my goal of becoming healthy and getting in shape. 
So 2014... Here I am! Jill The Runner. 

get organized

Research proves the number one stress indicator is clutter. I'm a bit OCD in some aspects, but I don't feel organized. This year I want to make time to organize not only my things, but also my time and my life. 
• I want to organize my things so that I don't feel messy. I want to be able to find my belongings at all times, spend less time cleaning, and be able to utilize my space better. 

• I want to organize my time so that I don't feel stressed or overwhelmed when someone says "Hey, can we get together this week?". Cringe. What do I have to do this weekend? I feel like I had plans already. Crap. Now, I will know exactly what all I have planed and exactly when I'm available. Looks like I need to purchase a good planner.

• I want to organize my life with short term goals and long term goals. Not only do I want to set them, but set deadlines to reach them. 

control finances

No, I'm not going to end up rich by January 2015. I know that. I'm not that naive. But I do want to get my finances in order. I feel like I never have enough money and I know that is only because I need to be more practical with money. My goal is to learn to shop around for better prices instead of spending recklessly. Save. Save. Save. I hope to save a nice cushion for whatever may come our way this year or next (house, emergency, fertility treatment, etc...) I hope to pay off the debt we have now faster and refuse to accumulate any added debt. I want to track how much I spend in each category of my life and find ways to cut spending in each category.  Basically, I just want to realistically get my finances under control... and organized.

spend more quality time with D

My husband is my best friend. My right hand man. My other half. I spend as much time I possibly can with him when he's not working. But, quantity and quality aren't the same thing. I don't feel like most of that time is quality time. In this day in time we are so engulfed with technology and media that we don't have much room in our lives for quality time. It's just so easy to call watching tv "quality time", or eating dinner "quality time". Far from it unfortunately. We don't have a conversation while we are watching tv, we are busy watching whatever is on at the time. And you can't consider eating dinner quality time when we have our faces buried in our phones checking social media or playing games. I want to set time aside every day for genuine quality time. Time apart for sitting on the front porch together and just "hanging out" with each other. Time apart for going for a walk together. Time apart for just us. I want to know more about how his day went and how he feels. I want to pretend like we just met and are getting to know each other again. I want to make the most of our time together. Time is a precious thing you know. 

get to know my family
What is my dad's favorite movie? What is my mom's favorite song? What is my sister's favorite memory growing up with me? These are things I want to ask my family. Again, this comes with spending quality time with them. New Years day will now forever be remembered as the day we laid my grandma to rest. Her funeral was beautiful and very personal and I learned things about her that I never knew. Things I should have known had I spent more time getting to know her. Things I don't want to learn about my parents at their funeral. Things I want them to tell me themselves. I learned from my Uncle where my name comes from. I actually saw the name on my great-great-great-great-great (Yes, that's five greats) grandmother's headstone from the 1800s in the family cemetery where we buried my grandma. How incredible that was to me to see. So meaningful. Physically seeing where I came from. Where my name comes from. Little, yet incredibly beautiful things that make me want to get to know my family better. Though I may be a little late getting to know some family members, I have time left with others. Precious precious time.


be a good friend 

We never need to be or feel alone in this world, but it’s up to us to create and allow opportunities to be together, enjoy each other, and be there for each other. It’s up to us to make our relationships priorities. So with that being said, along with quality time with my husband and family, I want to do the same for my friends. I want to not only be a friend, I want to be a good friend. This means investing all of my attention to my friends when I'm with them. Cough cough. Putting my phone down! I cherish my friendships. We need meaningful connections with other people in this world. It is essential in our personal growth. I need to make sure they know that I need them and cherish my time with them. I need them to know that without a doubt. Making sure they know I'm always here when they need me. Meaning- being available at 2am if need be, if even just to listen. I need to feel comfortable with telling my friends the truth. Even if it isn't want my friends want to hear. I need to practice forgiveness, loyalty, and sincerity. And most importantly, I need to make sure that I support my friends in every decision they make, even if it isn't one I agree with. Friends come and go in life, but it is that good friend that will love you forever. Good friends who I am incredibly blessed with and thankful every second for.

show more genuine love towards my pregnant friends

It is just a shame to let a pregnancy (or lack thereof) change the level of love and respect and friendship that two women can have for each other. I have to admit, it's a painfully awkward situation, but as someone who is constantly praying for a baby, I am genuinely happy for my pregnant friends even during the painful announcement, I just need to learn how to show that better. I am beyond thankful for the infertile friends I have. It's nice to have women who understand this painful,heartwrenching struggle. But I am even more thankful for my dear friends who don't have to suffer this struggle, yet hurt for me the same. I have one precious friend who I love dearly that recently found out she was pregnant. She took me to eat and said "I have something I have to tell you." Of course, I know what is fixing to come out of her mouth. She said she had to make sure that SHE told me before anyone else and before I saw it on social media. Unfortunately this was while I was sitting there in the middle of a gruesome miscarriage process. Her heart, as big as it is, was visibly broken for me. How special of a friend to worry about my feelings and my heart! Here she sits (heart so full it is bursting) over this exciting news of a sweet baby she has been praying for, yet she is heartbroken for me and to have to tell me because of the pain she knew I would feel. Did I feel pain? Yes. Was I jealous? Yes. Did I possibly cry a little out of envy? Yes. Do I still love her unconditionally? Yes. Am I genuinely happy for her? Absolutely. Do I pray for her and this tiny angel? Daily. Am I going to love this little angel as if it is my own child? You bet. So having said this, I am going to work this year on making sure that every pregnant friend or mother friend of mine knows how genuinely happy I am for them. I am going to work on making sure it known that they shouldn't feel uncomfortable tip toeing around with a secret because they are scared it will upset me. Being able to extend genuine congratulations, happiness and excitement to my pregnant friends is a big deal and may be hard...but it's possible and worth shooting for because I love them so tenderly. 

walk closer to God

Teach me your way, O LORD, that I may walk in your truth - Psalm 86:11
I like to consider myself someone who has a personal relationship with God. I talk with God daily. When I hear Him, I respond. When I need Him, I call out to Him. Is this relationship as strong as I would like it to be? No. But as Christians, are we ever as close to God as we want to be? Can't we all walk a little closer? Can't we all spend a little more time with Him? Can't we all give more of our worries to Him? Well, this year I am goind to work on just that. I want to walk a little whole lot closer by His side. I already do a daily devotional, but I want to start a prayer journal as well. My prayers aren't exactly deliberate. I am not specific enough in telling God what I need from Him. Just as before Jesus healed blind Bartimaeus, he specifically asked him what he wanted. Jesus knew the desires of his heart and knew what he wanted. But still made him say it. Prayer is not to let God know what we want, He knows. Prayer is for us. We pray to invite God into our hearts. We pray for fellowship. We pray to help our relationship with God grow. I want to start a prayer journal so that I can be specific about what it is I want. Although God knows what I need, I want to track it. Write it, pray for it, and acknowledge when God answers those prayers. I pray often, but I often catch myself praying for needs and not praying for thanks as much as I should. With the help of an organized prayer journal, I hope to be accountable for my quiet time with God every day and grow through this spiritual walk with God. I hope to become a better Christian woman... a geniune Christian woman.


So 2014, here we are... show me what you've got. ❤️